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perfect mirror

lake reflecting sky

blue   on   blue
This is a result of reading :iconmcdermid:'s excellent article Haiku Without Counting followed up with some clarification he graciously responded with.

The major idea is that using a full 5-7-5 syllables in English is not translatable into Japanese haiku because English is much more compact in some ways and contains more meaning per syllable on average. So the main focus should be to be as spartan as possible with words to create the image or idea desired.

Thus, I hope this captures more of the spirit of haiku rather than the letter of the "rules".
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:iconlgarczewski:
It's nice to see another "convert" to what I consider a school of English haiku closer to the Japanese original in both form and spirit.

The scene you described is almost an ideal haiku moment. Peaceful, tranquil, natural beauty. And all of that comes across perfectly clear in your poem.

I would, however, point out that a haiku should (typically) consist of two parts – two distinct observations, that are presented beside one another to expose a surprising contrast or quite the opposite – similarity between two things or concepts that seem distant at first glance (though this is something of an oversimplification).

This practice is known as kiru (cutting), and in English the two parts are usually divided by a dash, or a more subtle punctuation mark. In this poem, the division is not clear, and it all seems to blend into one depiction.

Another trait important in traditional haiku is the kigo (season word), which in this case seems to be "blue sky". One might argue that this is a bit vague, and doesn't point at specific season. But then again, perhaps in your part of the world it does. And even if not, modern haiku sometimes don't have a clear kigo at all.

Overall, this is a very good first try! I hope you will experiment further, and write many more poems that make me smile and wonder, as this one did.
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:iconhaijinik:
haijinik Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011  Student Writer
i have taken to 3-5-3 haiku, 3-5-3/5-5 tanka... but i find the restriction liberating :) then again i came up with a form based on the mathematics in hebrew with a 3-5 syl/line count :)
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:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2011
Cool. I still do both depending on my mood and the needs of the thought I am trying to express. :)
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:iconalmcdermid:
almcdermid Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2011  Professional Writer
Thank you for the plug; I'm really pleased that my work inspired you.

As for the poem itself, I think it's excellent (and would even if I had had no influence). Well done.
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:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
And many thanks for the collection! :)
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:iconalmcdermid:
almcdermid Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Professional Writer
Sure thing. :)
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:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2011
Many thanks! :)

I am looking forward to when you add the additional things to the article!
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:iconalmcdermid:
almcdermid Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2011  Professional Writer
I will try to do it soon. :)
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:iconunclaimedbaggage:
unclaimedbaggage Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
I wish I was there. Excellent imagery. :)
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:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
And many thanks for the :+fav: :)
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:iconunclaimedbaggage:
unclaimedbaggage Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
It's a true pleasure, always. :)
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:iconplaugh:
Plaugh Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011
Thank you very much. :)
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